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October 25th, 2006 - October 25th, 2007 A year has gone by. In some ways it might have been one of the hardest years of my life but in other ways it has also been the most rewarding, beautiful year. My past relationships have never been very good. Something tragic would always happen that would make the whirlwind romance end too soon. Maybe we gave too much of ourselves, maybe there was another person on the side and in some cases there was even physical abuse. Even though I'm sad over these past transgretions, they taught me so many things. They shaped who I am today in ways that I am just beginning to realize. Over a year ago I met someone who would become the most important person in my life. I call her my soulmate and she is just that. When we met each other, it seemed so natural for us to spend so much time together. Boring tasks became fun-filled ones when we were together. I supported her and she supported me so fluidly it was as if we were one person, instead of two separate entities. I was there through the fall of her first relationship and she was there when I was still coming to grips with the physical, mental and emotional abuse I had suffered at the hands of my former fiance. I'd like to think that I instilled the confidence in her that she needed to become a better person. To crawl up from the depths of this fake life she was living and to confront the reality of her situation. To let go of the past mistakes and face forward to what I hope will be a bright future. She changed me from the scared little girl I was since Chris walked away, into the strong, compassionate man I am today. When I came out to her about my love for BDSM, my sexuality and the fact that I was a genderfuck, she didn't turn away. In fact, she admitted that she was the same way. She fit so perfectly alongside me that the feeling of being one instead of two, intensified. The knowledge that there was someone else in the world who was just like me was such a relief. Our love grows with every whispered secret, it changes into something brighter with every bit of our hearts that open. Yes, a year has gone by. A wonderous, amazing and incredible year that I wouldn't change for the world. Nothing you could offer me could turn me away from the woman who has provided me with so much support, so much love that I feel as though I should stand on a cliff and scream out that this is where I belong. That my heart lives wherever she is and that her heart is wherever I am. This is me, telling the whole world that I love my genderfucked little girl. Happy One Year, doll. You make your Master so happy. Love, Dhani Current Location: I wish I was in Parma, ID
Current Mood:  ecstatic
Current Music: If I Fell - Evan Wood cover of the Beatles
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I'm making this post because someone mentioned that I neglect Livejournal. I'll always be loyal to good ol' Eljay, I just like to keep things to myself, rather than post them to the general public. Not sure why any of you would want to hear what's on my mind anyway. I could bore you to death with the particulars of my family's financial troubles if you wanted, or I could rave about my latest dream. Tell you my hopes and dreams, all of which have been utterly crushed. Why bother? I guess it would make an interesting tale, wouldn't it? Humans are always searching for the next answer, the "next big thing." Seems futile some days. Still, the struggles of life remind you that you're still alive. That you can still feel and that some day, things might turn out alright. That's what I hope for anyway. I probably seem a little bitter. I'm trying to figure out how I can get out of this town. Someone once told me that we often romanticise and glorify other places when we don't want to be in the place where we are. It's not that I hate Moose Jaw or the people in it. I hate the memories that I've gathered here. Over the years I've seen so many things. Joy, love, hope... and endless sorrow. People here are so locked into themselves. I guess we all are really. I used to be surrounded by so many people. There was never a day where I couldn't go out with someone or call someone up just to talk. Now I find myself spending days in front of the computer, hardly knowing what time it is or even the day of the week. I've been told that this is my own fault but I don't think so. I've reached out to old friends that I used to spend time with, and I've tried to make new friends. Legitimate attempts to rekindle things that had burned down to dull embers. Each attempt ends in inevitable rejection. And even though I've apologized to people again and again for things I had done in the past, and even though those people said they forgave me, I guess I'm just not worth the time. I read a secret on Postsecret that reminded me so much of myself that I saved it. The postcard was a simple one. A picture of a boy with text that read: "I think that all I need is for someone to tell me that they don't know what they'd do without me." I bet that some of you hear that from someone on a regular basis. Friends that love you, are willing to hug you and spend time with you. Sure, I have friends who care about me, but not to the extent that I would like them to. I look at them and doubt that any of them would be willing to wrap their arms around me and let me cry against them. Maybe that's selfish of me to say but I don't really think any of them are the type of friends that would pet my hair and tell me that everything was going to be alright. Most of them have other people they would rather spend time with. Groups that I'm not allowed to be included in. I guess they're afraid I'll just add more trouble to their lives. Nothing that I'm not used to.
I'm just so, so lonely.
I can't even spend time with my own father without feeling guilty about it. I'm not supposed to love the people I want to. Every day I spend with my dad, pushes my mom away from me. Eventually, I know I'll have to choose between one of them. Everything I do speaks louder than any words that I could ever say. When it comes to the day my parents go to court, I'll have to decide whether or not to testify against my father, in front of a jury, a judge and under oath. On that day, I'll alienate one of my parents. My dad did a lot of horrible things to my brother and I when we were younger. He drank so much that my brother pretty much raised me because my mom had to work shift work. We're both so damaged that I was so surprised when my brother got married. It shocks me to see him smiling in that way because I didn't think I'd ever see it. I don't think that I'll be able to smile that way. I'm so scared to be in love that every day I speak those words to Colby, my body tenses and my mind screams "no!" How can I live with that paralyzing fear?
I don't even know who I'm talking to right now. Ha. I just sit down in front of a blank computer screen and type until all of these worries are drained out of me. I find no solace in this keyboard and this empty house I'm living in. I've been faking these smiles for so long that I don't know if I even remember how to cry. There's a burning behind my eyes but nothing is coming out. No tears, no heaves of sorrow. Nothing. I would feel guilty crying anyway. I'm the strong one. Held together and holding everyone else together as well. My mom's personal therapist, her relationship columist and her best friend. My friends trust me with their secrets and then walk away from me. I miss being able to feel so much that it almost hurts. Almost.
Now you know the truth, don't you? I am so depressed. Probably more so than when Chris left me. As Kain said, I've just learned how to hide it. After this is finished, I'll close my mouth again and put that smile back on. No one will ever know when I'm down and out. My eyes will remain carefully blank and my heart just as heavily guarded.
Well Bob Dylan, it's just you and me.
Love,
Chantal Current Mood:  depressed
Current Music: Sarah by Bob Dylan
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I'm finally home from Idaho. I'm going through a mixture of emotions. I'm certainly very happy to be home. You don't realize how much you love Moose Jaw until you're taken away from it for a couple of weeks. I'm also very sad. Being there with Colby made me realize that he is "home" for me. Wherever he is, is where I belong. There's no doubt about it at all, we both agree with it. Now we just have to take the steps to get him here, or vice versa. The idea of being apart from him for such a long time breaks my heart. He's the "One". It took me a long time to find someone who is so perfectly compatible with me. Even when we first met face to face I could sense the chemistry. Kissing him sends sparks right down my spine. I can say, without any hesitation or doubt, that I love that man more than life itself. I used to be frightened by the thought of falling so deeply in love with another person. I had been hurt so badly before that I was terrified of what may happen if I was hurt again. It's comforting to know that Colby would never ever hurt me intentionally. Everything that he has ever promised me has come true. From the simple things to the big deals, everything he has said has eventually come to pass. He takes things so slowly and genuinely cares about my opinions on everything from bread to the meaning of life. We could sit and talk for hours about the finer points of video game graphics or debate the hypocrises of Christianity. Or just lay quietly together and listen to beating of our hearts and feeling the rise and fall of one another's breathing. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. The nine days I spent with him were like a fairy tale. I cooked, cleaned and took care of him like I always wanted to and he did the same. We seemed to flow together like a solid unit. We could sense what each other was about to say, or what they needed in that moment. Communication without words, no language except for glances and subtle touches. I have never been that happy in my life. There was absolutely no awkwardness between us from the first to the last second. It all felt so natural, as if we had known each other for our entire lives. Even the things we disagreed on weren't a big deal. He's like my best friend, my brother, my support group and the love of my life all wrapped up into one person. On a less gushy, more mundane note, we did a lot of fun things that week. Watched some of my favourite movies, played a lot of video games (Colby, pwn Agent Dennis for me xD) and cuddled like no tomorrow. I made him omelettes, which are probably his favourite food now, and we made three cakes. One for my birthday, one for his birthday and finally one just because I wanted to make more cake. I have pictures of the first cake we made, which was a huge disaster. I have never seen an uglier cake in my 20 years of life. His grandparents adore me and I certainly love them to death. They're all amazing people and I can't wait to be a part of his family and have him be a part of mine. He proposed to me as well. It's a gorgeous ring. Six little diamonds and two larger aquamarine crystals. Absolutely amazing. The proposal was completely beautiful. Just off a little walking bridge with a pretty little creek running under it, surrounded by bonsai trees. In the quiet of night with the stars above us, all in the small town of Parma, Idaho. The words he spoke to me were heartfelt and made me cry as he sat beside me and asked me if I would spend the rest of my life with him. I threw myself into his arms and cried out "Yes!". I have never wanted anything more in my life than that. For more details on my week, feel free to ask me. I'm very willing to supply xD. P.S - For those of you wondering, yes... the sex was very good. Love, Chantal Current Location: Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan
Current Music: Insomnia -- Wintersleep
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I can feel the sand beneath my paws and feel the cool air of the stone tunnel caressing my black fur. Each step is calculated and paw pads test the sand before fully pressing themselves down upon it. The sleek blackness of my fur blends in with the shadows in the tunnel I find myself in. It's lit with torchlight which casts long shadows and shapes on the yellowed stone walls.
I start to walk, head held high and paws picking up an easy rhythm. Blurs shift past me, heading in both directions but never quite touching me. Canine shapes, white with brief flashes of yellow or green eyes in the darkness. The echoes of panting, growls, barks and yelps can be heard but they sound muted and distant. The noises of the past perhaps?
I can see a light in the distance and I pick up my pace. The sand is growing thicker underneath my paws and soon it covers up the yellow stone which had been visible before. The blurs thin out until there is none around me. I must walk this last part of the journey alone.
The tunnel ends and I move out into bright moonlight. I turn my head to see the exit of the tunnel behind me, but there is only sand instead. A vast desert with small bushes and shrubs placed seemingly random around the area.
A huge dune is ahead of me and on top of it I can see the shape of other creatures. Canines like me. Jackals, wolves and some breeds that I cannot even recognize. I walk towards them, soon breaking into a run. They seem to stay in the same spot, no matter how fast I run or how much distance I cover. Slowly they get closer, but not close enough that I can make out individual markings.
There is about ten of them standing there as if waiting for me. The moon shines down directly upon them suddenly and I can make out species and gender. The leader is female, a bright greyish wolf with kind eyes. Her tail remains patiently lowered, muzzle slightly parted as if she were smiling at me as I desperately try to run closer.
The female is flanked by two others. A male and a female. The male a wolf as black as night and the female a species I can't quite recognize of a brownish coloration. The male appears to be agressive, tail raised and hackles raised. Not snarling but looking thoroughly displeased by my progress towards the group. The female appears kind again but warily has her head tilted slightly to the side, wondering.
The others behind those three are just shadows with glimmering eyes. By their shapes I can see jackals, wolves and hybrids alike. All waiting for me. I run closer and I start up the side of the dune. The sand makes my paws slip slightly but I spread my paw pads for greater balance, using all my desert breeding and instincts to run as quickly as I can.
As soon as I get close enough, they fade away and I wake up in a sweat. I can still feel the echoes of the breeze against my fur, the sand beneath my paws and the sounds in my ears. I can't fathom what this dream means but I know that it's important to my spiritual growth. I am desperately searching for the answers that I can't find. I'm trying to find someone who shares these feelings. For so long I've identified myself as a "furry" but I can't do that anymore. My connection to my spirit goes so much deeper than that of a furry. Most of them are just in it for sex, artwork, conventions, etc. My connection goes so much deeper than that. I feel that I am a jackal inside and that I am merely a human on the outside. It's so hard to find someone that feels the same way that I do. The only person I can reach out to understands to a point but can't help me in the way that I need to be helped. I'm stuck in a dream that I can't wake up from. Where does the line between reality and fantasy begin and end? Am I really a jackal? Or am I just a confused girl trying to find a fantasy? My "furryism" began when I was just a 14 year old girl. At first I thought it was just a phase. That it was just something that I enjoyed for the artwork and the companionship of having others like me. It became so much more important to me when the dreams started. I had dreams about becoming an animal, about living my life as that animal in the company of others. In these dreams I met a mate, had pups and became an important part of a pack. These were all things that I desired to have in reality when I was younger. I had the greatest desires to love, to nurture and to belong. As I grew older, these animal dreams changed. It seemed like they changed to fit who I was growing up to become. With time they became dreams about a black jackal. Roaming, hunting and playing alone. I didn't desire to love, nurture and belong anymore. I became more independant and as a result, the jackal in the dreams became more independant as well. I finally realized the connection between these two creatures. In reality I am only a human, on the outside I am nothing but another human. In dreams, and on the inside, I am a proud jackal, wandering the sands of the desert and holding all the strength and beauty that such a creature holds. Time changed and I began having strange dreams about tunnels, moonlight and packs and canines standing on the dunes of time. I cannot fathom what these changes mean, only that I no longer desire to run alone. Though I am happily mated to a man who loves me for who I am on the outside and on the inside, I no longer wish to roam, hunt and play on my own. I want others who shares my spiritual connection, my beliefs and my love for all living creatures. I suppose you could call it a "pack", though jackals are not pack animals, we run in pairs, not groups. I just want a sense of kinship. I want to reach those beautiful creatures on the dune. I want to roam, hunt and play with a "pack". The human in me desires companionship but maybe I've been searching in all the wrong places. Is there no one in this world who is like me? Does anyone else have dreams like this? Tonight I was asked to describe what my ideal pack would be. To me, my ideal pack would be a group of animals who support, love and hold each other up. Who are truthful and honest about their opinions but don't put others down for their beliefs. Being part of a pack is more than just hunting, playing and curling up together at night. Being part of a pack means that everyone has to work together to achieve the sort of life that we all want to live. It's about making things happen and working together to make sure that we each accomplish not only the pack's goals, but our own individual goals as well. To laugh together, cry together and face each day together as a family. That may seem unrealistic, especially in a world like we live in today. But I honestly believe that if we came together in that manner and worked towards making a better life for each other, than things would work out just fine. Fights will happen, it's in every creature's nature to defend themselves when threatened, but it's in the apologizing, forgiving and healing that makes us truly the good people or animals that we are. I hope that someday I'll find those like-minded individuals and we can travel together in a pack for awhile. Maybe not forever, as we are always constantly changing and evolving, but just long enough that we can learn something new from each other, or realize something about ourselves that we never realized before. It just feels as though the line between reality and fantasy is so blurred that I can no longer separate the jackal inside of me from the human on the outside. Sometimes I feel my tail wagging or the spring breeze moving my fur. I can see the glimmer of the animal in my brown eyes and the urge to run across the open field, yipping and chasing my tail for the pure joy of being alive. I want to stalk my prey through the prairies and feel the sense of satisfaction and power as I sink my teeth into it. I want to live. I want to live as humans cannot live. I want to leave this all behind me and be who I am. The beautiful jackal inside of me. But I take a step back and realize that in this lifetime, that would be impossible. This doesn't make me sad however, only content that in my next life I can finely experience the joy of being free as the desert canine that rests inside of me. I don't understand these feelings completely. I just wish there was someone out there who feels as I do. These dreams won't stop and I don't know if I want them to. I just want someone to guide me out of this madness... this confusion... I need someone to lend me a paw and pull me into a sense of clarity and spiritual freedom. Roam with me. Love, Miyo Sakaru Current Mood:  contemplative
Current Music: Invisible Love --- Enigma
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You know, when you think life is easy, it often throws you a curve ball. It's hard to explain what I mean without going into great detail, but I'll try my best. A long time ago, Chris broke up with me. We all know this and everything really sucked for awhile there. But, I got better. I am better. In fact, him and I play a video game together and we're doing just fine. No fighting, no rudeness, just casual conversation and killing of monsters. But, I digress. Once I finally got over him, I met a new boy. His name was Mike and we have been dating for four month now. My life was perfect, in my eyes. Better than it had been in a long time. I finally stopped taking pills for depression, suicidal thoughts vanished and I thought I could take on the world. My dad and I were becoming closer and my mom and I had already formed the mother-daughter bond that most girls have already formed by my age. I was attending school and everything was super. But then something happened. I became listless, restless and unhappy with my future. I came to realize that I was still trying to desperately follow a dream that could not longer take place in my life. I had forgotten that I had changed my life around for a boy who I no longer desired to be with by any stretch of the imagination. I flunked several classes, got kicked out of one and eventually dropped school. It was the best decision I had ever made in my life. Once again, life started to drift back into my view of perfection. I became more isolated, more concerned with myself rather than ungrateful people. I was happy with that. I was glad that I was able to take care of myself and the few people I call friends. But once again, life decided to twist things up a little bit. My dad started drinking about and little does anyone know, how much that really bothers me. He destroyed our family once again and I know that he'll do it again just as easily. He already lost my brother and now he's going to lose me. I'm sorry if this is a bit heavy but I don't have anywhere else to vent. Everyone I'm close to has already heard this story 100 times but there's nothing any of us can do about it. And then my mom broke up with her boyfriend and dragged me right down into her depression. I have since become her therapist, her confidant and her only friend in this mess that she's gotten herself into. It's really too much for a girl my age to handle, but I'm handling it all the same. I've learned so many things over these past years that I'm hardly the same person that I was. I'm starting to realize that people are not the unmoveable robots that I once thought they were. I look at the earth and its people with compassion and genuine concern. I died that December, but now I'm finally starting to live again. For those of you who got to ride this roller coaster with me over the past year, know with pride that I am starting to become a person again. I can look in the mirror in the mornings and understand that I am just as worthy of love and affection as the next person. There is no one truth or one way to live your life, so long as you are living it to the fullest. My time in this little town is soon coming to a close. A new plain and a brighter city await me. My mother is moving to escape this town and I will, undoubtably, be going along for the ride. Winnipeg, to me, represents a whole new chapter and a new beginning. I've already started looking into jobs, groups I could join, and finding new people to meet. What's the next step after that? Leaving this country. Marrying. Starting a family. I've been through enough already I think. Abuse, alcoholism, broken home, isolation, depression, death and suicide. Perhaps it's my turn to rest. If not, I'll face the next bumps in stride. I am not afraid to be myself anymore, I've come too far to turn away from who I was and who I've become. There is nothing in this world who can hold me down or turn me into the broken, lonely, sad person I was before. By this summer, if all goes well, I will be bonded to my Master and already taking steps to move in with him and settle down. I have never felt this sort of overwhelming love for one person in my life before. Usually there was always some doubt, some nagging feeling that pulled me away. He completes me and compliments me so perfectly that there is no doubt. Maybe life will even out again, I don't know. I do know, however, that I can handle anything that it throws at me. I'm better now. Love, Miyo Sakaru Current Mood:  relaxed
Current Music: Ice Dance - Danny Elfman
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serenskywalker's journal
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