I wanna be a Jedi when I grow up...

...

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 06:46:15 GMT

Once again, I've been pushed off to the side so my friends can hang out with someone else. I'm really getting tired of being the expendable friend. I'm always the friend that you hang out with if there's no one else and the friend who apparently "won't mind" if you cancel our plans to be with someone else.

I decline a babysitting job and going to pick up my new kitten on Friday night because I get to go out with Brad and Kain. I'm was all excited for it too. It's been in the works for about 2 weeks now. We were going to go to the movies and maybe hang out later. There was even an old friend coming from out of town to hang out for the weekend. As it turns out, the movie that Brad wants to see isn't in right now so we're not going at all. Brad cancels the movie plans altogether and decides to take Kain and Kellie to this fundraiser thing. Notice how I'm not involved in the plans again? Of course, I have to hear about this from Kain because Brad has once again neglected to tell me that I'm no longer involved in his night. And the out of town friend? I find out that Brad has only seen him for two hours since he's been here and that's it. There's no other plans in the making for us to all get together with said out of town friend.

The thing that hurts me the most is that this isn't the first time this has happened. This is not the first time that Brad has decided to completely change the plans without any regard to my feelings or the fact that I've just spent the last two weeks trying to keep that one night open for him. So everyone goes out and has fun while I sit inside all Friday night and wish I mattered to someone enough that they wanted to spend time with me. Maybe I'm a sad, pathetic fool for falling into his promises and plans. Maybe I should just give up on being friends with someone who's constantly turning me down and cancelling on me after I've put so much effort into keeping those days open for him. It's probably because I only have three friends to spend time with. Kain, Brad and Chantal. Everyone else has completely stopped talking to me. Because of something I did when I was completely depressed or because they did something that made me turn my back on them. How come I had so many friends when I was dating Chris? Maybe he was right and everyone really liked him more than they ever liked me. I wouldn't be surprised.

The only reason why I'm writing this here is because my self-pitying rant will go unnoticed by the general population. My fiance probably won't even read it. Just once, I want to be told by one of my friends that they don't know what they'd do without me. Somehow I doubt that that little dream will ever happen. I probably just lost another friend because I can't stand to be treated like an old stuffed toy that no one wants anymore. I'll probably lose the other ones soon after that cause they'll take his side. Doesn't matter. Just me and the computer again...

Fuck... I wish I was important.

Love,
Chantal

One Year Tomorrow

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 00:53:19 GMT

October 25th, 2006 - October 25th, 2007

A year has gone by.

In some ways it might have been one of the hardest years of my life but in other ways it has also been the most rewarding, beautiful year.

My past relationships have never been very good. Something tragic would always happen that would make the whirlwind romance end too soon. Maybe we gave too much of ourselves, maybe there was another person on the side and in some cases there was even physical abuse. Even though I'm sad over these past transgretions, they taught me so many things. They shaped who I am today in ways that I am just beginning to realize.

Over a year ago I met someone who would become the most important person in my life. I call her my soulmate and she is just that. When we met each other, it seemed so natural for us to spend so much time together. Boring tasks became fun-filled ones when we were together. I supported her and she supported me so fluidly it was as if we were one person, instead of two separate entities.

I was there through the fall of her first relationship and she was there when I was still coming to grips with the physical, mental and emotional abuse I had suffered at the hands of my former fiance. I'd like to think that I instilled the confidence in her that she needed to become a better person. To crawl up from the depths of this fake life she was living and to confront the reality of her situation. To let go of the past mistakes and face forward to what I hope will be a bright future. She changed me from the scared little girl I was since Chris walked away, into the strong, compassionate man I am today.

When I came out to her about my love for BDSM, my sexuality and the fact that I was a genderfuck, she didn't turn away. In fact, she admitted that she was the same way. She fit so perfectly alongside me that the feeling of being one instead of two, intensified. The knowledge that there was someone else in the world who was just like me was such a relief. Our love grows with every whispered secret, it changes into something brighter with every bit of our hearts that open.

Yes, a year has gone by.

A wonderous, amazing and incredible year that I wouldn't change for the world.

Nothing you could offer me could turn me away from the woman who has provided me with so much support, so much love that I feel as though I should stand on a cliff and scream out that this is where I belong. That my heart lives wherever she is and that her heart is wherever I am.

This is me, telling the whole world that I love my genderfucked little girl.

Happy One Year, doll.

You make your Master so happy.

Love,

Dhani

Come on Bob Dylan, sing my life for me.

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 01:14:46 GMT

I'm making this post because someone mentioned that I neglect Livejournal. I'll always be loyal to good ol' Eljay, I just like to keep things to myself, rather than post them to the general public. Not sure why any of you would want to hear what's on my mind anyway. I could bore you to death with the particulars of my family's financial troubles if you wanted, or I could rave about my latest dream. Tell you my hopes and dreams, all of which have been utterly crushed. Why bother? I guess it would make an interesting tale, wouldn't it? Humans are always searching for the next answer, the "next big thing." Seems futile some days. Still, the struggles of life remind you that you're still alive. That you can still feel and that some day, things might turn out alright. That's what I hope for anyway.

I probably seem a little bitter. I'm trying to figure out how I can get out of this town. Someone once told me that we often romanticise and glorify other places when we don't want to be in the place where we are. It's not that I hate Moose Jaw or the people in it. I hate the memories that I've gathered here. Over the years I've seen so many things. Joy, love, hope... and endless sorrow. People here are so locked into themselves. I guess we all are really. I used to be surrounded by so many people. There was never a day where I couldn't go out with someone or call someone up just to talk. Now I find myself spending days in front of the computer, hardly knowing what time it is or even the day of the week. I've been told that this is my own fault but I don't think so. I've reached out to old friends that I used to spend time with, and I've tried to make new friends. Legitimate attempts to rekindle things that had burned down to dull embers.

Each attempt ends in inevitable rejection. And even though I've apologized to people again and again for things I had done in the past, and even though those people said they forgave me, I guess I'm just not worth the time. I read a secret on Postsecret that reminded me so much of myself that I saved it. The postcard was a simple one. A picture of a boy with text that read:

"I think that all I need is for someone to tell me that they don't know what they'd do without me."

I bet that some of you hear that from someone on a regular basis. Friends that love you, are willing to hug you and spend time with you. Sure, I have friends who care about me, but not to the extent that I would like them to. I look at them and doubt that any of them would be willing to wrap their arms around me and let me cry against them. Maybe that's selfish of me to say but I don't really think any of them are the type of friends that would pet my hair and tell me that everything was going to be alright. Most of them have other people they would rather spend time with. Groups that I'm not allowed to be included in. I guess they're afraid I'll just add more trouble to their lives. Nothing that I'm not used to.

I'm just so, so lonely.

I can't even spend time with my own father without feeling guilty about it. I'm not supposed to love the people I want to. Every day I spend with my dad, pushes my mom away from me. Eventually, I know I'll have to choose between one of them. Everything I do speaks louder than any words that I could ever say. When it comes to the day my parents go to court, I'll have to decide whether or not to testify against my father, in front of a jury, a judge and under oath. On that day, I'll alienate one of my parents. My dad did a lot of horrible things to my brother and I when we were younger. He drank so much that my brother pretty much raised me because my mom had to work shift work. We're both so damaged that I was so surprised when my brother got married. It shocks me to see him smiling in that way because I didn't think I'd ever see it. I don't think that I'll be able to smile that way. I'm so scared to be in love that every day I speak those words to Colby, my body tenses and my mind screams "no!" How can I live with that paralyzing fear?

I don't even know who I'm talking to right now. Ha. I just sit down in front of a blank computer screen and type until all of these worries are drained out of me. I find no solace in this keyboard and this empty house I'm living in. I've been faking these smiles for so long that I don't know if I even remember how to cry. There's a burning behind my eyes but nothing is coming out. No tears, no heaves of sorrow. Nothing. I would feel guilty crying anyway. I'm the strong one. Held together and holding everyone else together as well. My mom's personal therapist, her relationship columist and her best friend. My friends trust me with their secrets and then walk away from me. I miss being able to feel so much that it almost hurts. Almost.

Now you know the truth, don't you? I am so depressed. Probably more so than when Chris left me. As Kain said, I've just learned how to hide it. After this is finished, I'll close my mouth again and put that smile back on. No one will ever know when I'm down and out. My eyes will remain carefully blank and my heart just as heavily guarded.

Well Bob Dylan, it's just you and me.

Love,
Chantal

:D Of Furmeets and Therians

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 20:07:33 GMT

y halo thar ljers

I've been so busy moving into my mom's that I've neglected a lot of things. I'm finally settled in and starting to have more of a social life as days pass. Not that I really have a social life to begin with. It mostly just means I've been hanging out with Kain and Chantal a lot more. Brad sometimes but he doesn't ever seem to want to see me o_O I just smile and nod.

I've been working on the plans of a furmeet, hopefully the details will be released soon. It's going to be a meet for furries, therians and humans that are interested in all aspects of furryism/therianthropy. As well as a place to share artwork/writing/ideas, that sort of thing. So far... I've had very little interest because Saskatchewan is like a wasteland lacking all culture, some of you may have noticed this :D.

Ah, but the jackal is still going strong. I had to move the date of my wedding to sometime next year because the month of October is going to be so busy for me. Birthdays, my brother's wedding... that sort of thing. We also may be getting a puppy soon. Everyone who comes over to my house semi-frequently should try to convince my mom that getting a puppy would be a super-amazing-awesome idea. I want a fucking puppy.

I love you all but especially my ickle Lucious Lucius who has been having a hard time lately (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! *flail*)

Call me! I'm at my mom's now and have a new number but... I'll give out my cellphone right now xD

684-2320

Love,
Haze the Jackal

<3 THANKS

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 21:46:01 GMT

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to thank each of you for your warm and loving responses to the post about my trip and the engagement <3 It means a lot to me. I'd like to thank each of you personally but I just haven't been able to find the time as I'm in the midst of moving.

Soon I'll be living with my mom. Hopefully I'll have been moved in a settled by the end of next week. That's what we hope anyway. You'll probably see me cruising the town, dropping off resumes and kicking ass this next week. I've got to work really hard to save up the money so I can live with the love of my life. I can't officially move to the States until I'm 21, which is what a legal adult is there apparently, at least in terms of immigration. After that we just play the waiting game. It could take up to 5 years for the papers to go through and get approved. We're going for permanent residence right now, which is usually cleared pretty quickly for Canadians immigrating to the US.

The legal shit really stresses me out but I'm willing to do anything to make this work. Those of you who have ever been in love know the determination that washes over you when an obstacle lifts its ugly head. I'd like to aim for December for the wedding there but we'll be getting married again once we're settled in Canada again. I'm just moving to the US until he's finished his education and then we'll be coming right back up to Moose Jaw to get remarried and live. I think it's the best place to raise a child. We could wait until he's finished school and then wait for him to move here but I really can't stand to be apart from him for all this time. We really are each other's heart and soul. Soulmates.

Anyway, if you want to hang out... I'm free anytime after 4pm. During the days I move and then hide out at my mom's because my dad is a fucking Nazi. Seriously.

I love you guys.

Over and out,
Chan

Finally home!

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 19:40:20 GMT

I'm finally home from Idaho.

I'm going through a mixture of emotions. I'm certainly very happy to be home. You don't realize how much you love Moose Jaw until you're taken away from it for a couple of weeks. I'm also very sad. Being there with Colby made me realize that he is "home" for me. Wherever he is, is where I belong. There's no doubt about it at all, we both agree with it. Now we just have to take the steps to get him here, or vice versa. The idea of being apart from him for such a long time breaks my heart. He's the "One". It took me a long time to find someone who is so perfectly compatible with me. Even when we first met face to face I could sense the chemistry. Kissing him sends sparks right down my spine. I can say, without any hesitation or doubt, that I love that man more than life itself.

I used to be frightened by the thought of falling so deeply in love with another person. I had been hurt so badly before that I was terrified of what may happen if I was hurt again. It's comforting to know that Colby would never ever hurt me intentionally. Everything that he has ever promised me has come true. From the simple things to the big deals, everything he has said has eventually come to pass. He takes things so slowly and genuinely cares about my opinions on everything from bread to the meaning of life. We could sit and talk for hours about the finer points of video game graphics or debate the hypocrises of Christianity. Or just lay quietly together and listen to beating of our hearts and feeling the rise and fall of one another's breathing. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

The nine days I spent with him were like a fairy tale. I cooked, cleaned and took care of him like I always wanted to and he did the same. We seemed to flow together like a solid unit. We could sense what each other was about to say, or what they needed in that moment. Communication without words, no language except for glances and subtle touches. I have never been that happy in my life. There was absolutely no awkwardness between us from the first to the last second. It all felt so natural, as if we had known each other for our entire lives. Even the things we disagreed on weren't a big deal. He's like my best friend, my brother, my support group and the love of my life all wrapped up into one person.

On a less gushy, more mundane note, we did a lot of fun things that week. Watched some of my favourite movies, played a lot of video games (Colby, pwn Agent Dennis for me xD) and cuddled like no tomorrow. I made him omelettes, which are probably his favourite food now, and we made three cakes. One for my birthday, one for his birthday and finally one just because I wanted to make more cake. I have pictures of the first cake we made, which was a huge disaster. I have never seen an uglier cake in my 20 years of life. His grandparents adore me and I certainly love them to death. They're all amazing people and I can't wait to be a part of his family and have him be a part of mine.

He proposed to me as well. It's a gorgeous ring. Six little diamonds and two larger aquamarine crystals. Absolutely amazing. The proposal was completely beautiful. Just off a little walking bridge with a pretty little creek running under it, surrounded by bonsai trees. In the quiet of night with the stars above us, all in the small town of Parma, Idaho. The words he spoke to me were heartfelt and made me cry as he sat beside me and asked me if I would spend the rest of my life with him. I threw myself into his arms and cried out "Yes!". I have never wanted anything more in my life than that.

For more details on my week, feel free to ask me. I'm very willing to supply xD.

P.S - For those of you wondering, yes... the sex was very good.

Love,
Chantal

Birthday.

Sun, 27 May 2007 00:17:50 GMT

Hello everyone.

It's my birthday today and I'm turning 20. It'll probably be overshadowed by Grad and such, as it was last year but I am very proud to say that I have entered the stages of adulthood. Apparently. That's what my mom says anyway. I am no longer a teenager, but it makes me wonder if I was really a teenager in the first place. I certainly don't feel any different than I did yesterday or even the year before that. Well... maybe I was different the year before that. I was definiately more sad.

On a bright note, however, I will be leaving for the lovely city of Parma, Idaho in the United States of America to visit a certain boy named Colby James Garner.

He's going to propose to me.

Happy Birthday To Me.

Love,
Chantal

Trust.

Sat, 12 May 2007 01:53:14 GMT

It's the strange thing isn't it? It's funny how one person can be so open and honest, while the other person is so closed off and secretive. Am I missing something? Secrets make me a little paranoid. I just hope that it's nothing serious.

Or maybe it is.

Love,
Miyo

Walking this waking dream.

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 10:31:07 GMT

I can feel the sand beneath my paws and feel the cool air of the stone tunnel caressing my black fur. Each step is calculated and paw pads test the sand before fully pressing themselves down upon it. The sleek blackness of my fur blends in with the shadows in the tunnel I find myself in. It's lit with torchlight which casts long shadows and shapes on the yellowed stone walls.

I start to walk, head held high and paws picking up an easy rhythm. Blurs shift past me, heading in both directions but never quite touching me. Canine shapes, white with brief flashes of yellow or green eyes in the darkness. The echoes of panting, growls, barks and yelps can be heard but they sound muted and distant. The noises of the past perhaps?

I can see a light in the distance and I pick up my pace. The sand is growing thicker underneath my paws and soon it covers up the yellow stone which had been visible before. The blurs thin out until there is none around me. I must walk this last part of the journey alone.

The tunnel ends and I move out into bright moonlight. I turn my head to see the exit of the tunnel behind me, but there is only sand instead. A vast desert with small bushes and shrubs placed seemingly random around the area.

A huge dune is ahead of me and on top of it I can see the shape of other creatures. Canines like me. Jackals, wolves and some breeds that I cannot even recognize. I walk towards them, soon breaking into a run. They seem to stay in the same spot, no matter how fast I run or how much distance I cover. Slowly they get closer, but not close enough that I can make out individual markings.

There is about ten of them standing there as if waiting for me. The moon shines down directly upon them suddenly and I can make out species and gender. The leader is female, a bright greyish wolf with kind eyes. Her tail remains patiently lowered, muzzle slightly parted as if she were smiling at me as I desperately try to run closer.

The female is flanked by two others. A male and a female. The male a wolf as black as night and the female a species I can't quite recognize of a brownish coloration. The male appears to be agressive, tail raised and hackles raised. Not snarling but looking thoroughly displeased by my progress towards the group. The female appears kind again but warily has her head tilted slightly to the side, wondering.

The others behind those three are just shadows with glimmering eyes. By their shapes I can see jackals, wolves and hybrids alike. All waiting for me. I run closer and I start up the side of the dune. The sand makes my paws slip slightly but I spread my paw pads for greater balance, using all my desert breeding and instincts to run as quickly as I can.

As soon as I get close enough, they fade away and I wake up in a sweat. I can still feel the echoes of the breeze against my fur, the sand beneath my paws and the sounds in my ears.

I can't fathom what this dream means but I know that it's important to my spiritual growth. I am desperately searching for the answers that I can't find. I'm trying to find someone who shares these feelings. For so long I've identified myself as a "furry" but I can't do that anymore. My connection to my spirit goes so much deeper than that of a furry. Most of them are just in it for sex, artwork, conventions, etc. My connection goes so much deeper than that. I feel that I am a jackal inside and that I am merely a human on the outside. It's so hard to find someone that feels the same way that I do. The only person I can reach out to understands to a point but can't help me in the way that I need to be helped. I'm stuck in a dream that I can't wake up from. Where does the line between reality and fantasy begin and end? Am I really a jackal? Or am I just a confused girl trying to find a fantasy?

My "furryism" began when I was just a 14 year old girl. At first I thought it was just a phase. That it was just something that I enjoyed for the artwork and the companionship of having others like me. It became so much more important to me when the dreams started. I had dreams about becoming an animal, about living my life as that animal in the company of others. In these dreams I met a mate, had pups and became an important part of a pack. These were all things that I desired to have in reality when I was younger. I had the greatest desires to love, to nurture and to belong.

As I grew older, these animal dreams changed. It seemed like they changed to fit who I was growing up to become. With time they became dreams about a black jackal. Roaming, hunting and playing alone. I didn't desire to love, nurture and belong anymore. I became more independant and as a result, the jackal in the dreams became more independant as well. I finally realized the connection between these two creatures. In reality I am only a human, on the outside I am nothing but another human. In dreams, and on the inside, I am a proud jackal, wandering the sands of the desert and holding all the strength and beauty that such a creature holds.

Time changed and I began having strange dreams about tunnels, moonlight and packs and canines standing on the dunes of time. I cannot fathom what these changes mean, only that I no longer desire to run alone. Though I am happily mated to a man who loves me for who I am on the outside and on the inside, I no longer wish to roam, hunt and play on my own. I want others who shares my spiritual connection, my beliefs and my love for all living creatures. I suppose you could call it a "pack", though jackals are not pack animals, we run in pairs, not groups. I just want a sense of kinship. I want to reach those beautiful creatures on the dune. I want to roam, hunt and play with a "pack". The human in me desires companionship but maybe I've been searching in all the wrong places. Is there no one in this world who is like me? Does anyone else have dreams like this?

Tonight I was asked to describe what my ideal pack would be. To me, my ideal pack would be a group of animals who support, love and hold each other up. Who are truthful and honest about their opinions but don't put others down for their beliefs. Being part of a pack is more than just hunting, playing and curling up together at night. Being part of a pack means that everyone has to work together to achieve the sort of life that we all want to live. It's about making things happen and working together to make sure that we each accomplish not only the pack's goals, but our own individual goals as well. To laugh together, cry together and face each day together as a family.

That may seem unrealistic, especially in a world like we live in today. But I honestly believe that if we came together in that manner and worked towards making a better life for each other, than things would work out just fine. Fights will happen, it's in every creature's nature to defend themselves when threatened, but it's in the apologizing, forgiving and healing that makes us truly the good people or animals that we are. I hope that someday I'll find those like-minded individuals and we can travel together in a pack for awhile. Maybe not forever, as we are always constantly changing and evolving, but just long enough that we can learn something new from each other, or realize something about ourselves that we never realized before.

It just feels as though the line between reality and fantasy is so blurred that I can no longer separate the jackal inside of me from the human on the outside. Sometimes I feel my tail wagging or the spring breeze moving my fur. I can see the glimmer of the animal in my brown eyes and the urge to run across the open field, yipping and chasing my tail for the pure joy of being alive. I want to stalk my prey through the prairies and feel the sense of satisfaction and power as I sink my teeth into it. I want to live. I want to live as humans cannot live. I want to leave this all behind me and be who I am. The beautiful jackal inside of me. But I take a step back and realize that in this lifetime, that would be impossible. This doesn't make me sad however, only content that in my next life I can finely experience the joy of being free as the desert canine that rests inside of me.

I don't understand these feelings completely. I just wish there was someone out there who feels as I do. These dreams won't stop and I don't know if I want them to. I just want someone to guide me out of this madness... this confusion... I need someone to lend me a paw and pull me into a sense of clarity and spiritual freedom.

Roam with me.

Love,
Miyo Sakaru

Ice Dance

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 23:06:23 GMT

You know, when you think life is easy, it often throws you a curve ball. It's hard to explain what I mean without going into great detail, but I'll try my best.

A long time ago, Chris broke up with me. We all know this and everything really sucked for awhile there. But, I got better. I am better. In fact, him and I play a video game together and we're doing just fine. No fighting, no rudeness, just casual conversation and killing of monsters. But, I digress. Once I finally got over him, I met a new boy. His name was Mike and we have been dating for four month now. My life was perfect, in my eyes. Better than it had been in a long time. I finally stopped taking pills for depression, suicidal thoughts vanished and I thought I could take on the world.

My dad and I were becoming closer and my mom and I had already formed the mother-daughter bond that most girls have already formed by my age. I was attending school and everything was super. But then something happened. I became listless, restless and unhappy with my future. I came to realize that I was still trying to desperately follow a dream that could not longer take place in my life. I had forgotten that I had changed my life around for a boy who I no longer desired to be with by any stretch of the imagination.

I flunked several classes, got kicked out of one and eventually dropped school. It was the best decision I had ever made in my life. Once again, life started to drift back into my view of perfection. I became more isolated, more concerned with myself rather than ungrateful people. I was happy with that. I was glad that I was able to take care of myself and the few people I call friends. But once again, life decided to twist things up a little bit.

My dad started drinking about and little does anyone know, how much that really bothers me. He destroyed our family once again and I know that he'll do it again just as easily. He already lost my brother and now he's going to lose me. I'm sorry if this is a bit heavy but I don't have anywhere else to vent. Everyone I'm close to has already heard this story 100 times but there's nothing any of us can do about it. And then my mom broke up with her boyfriend and dragged me right down into her depression. I have since become her therapist, her confidant and her only friend in this mess that she's gotten herself into. It's really too much for a girl my age to handle, but I'm handling it all the same. I've learned so many things over these past years that I'm hardly the same person that I was.

I'm starting to realize that people are not the unmoveable robots that I once thought they were. I look at the earth and its people with compassion and genuine concern. I died that December, but now I'm finally starting to live again. For those of you who got to ride this roller coaster with me over the past year, know with pride that I am starting to become a person again. I can look in the mirror in the mornings and understand that I am just as worthy of love and affection as the next person. There is no one truth or one way to live your life, so long as you are living it to the fullest.

My time in this little town is soon coming to a close. A new plain and a brighter city await me. My mother is moving to escape this town and I will, undoubtably, be going along for the ride. Winnipeg, to me, represents a whole new chapter and a new beginning. I've already started looking into jobs, groups I could join, and finding new people to meet. What's the next step after that? Leaving this country. Marrying. Starting a family. I've been through enough already I think. Abuse, alcoholism, broken home, isolation, depression, death and suicide. Perhaps it's my turn to rest. If not, I'll face the next bumps in stride. I am not afraid to be myself anymore, I've come too far to turn away from who I was and who I've become.

There is nothing in this world who can hold me down or turn me into the broken, lonely, sad person I was before. By this summer, if all goes well, I will be bonded to my Master and already taking steps to move in with him and settle down. I have never felt this sort of overwhelming love for one person in my life before. Usually there was always some doubt, some nagging feeling that pulled me away. He completes me and compliments me so perfectly that there is no doubt.

Maybe life will even out again, I don't know. I do know, however, that I can handle anything that it throws at me. I'm better now.

Love,
Miyo Sakaru

...

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 23:46:46 GMT

My boyfriend was coming to visit me but his stupid bitch of a driver lied to the border guard. He almost got arrested and he certainly won't be allowed to cross the border for awhile. I wish the government wasn't so fucking retarded and would have just let him through. I don't care about his driver, I just want to see him. I was going to drive down and cross the border myself until Cindy informed me that they won't let ME cross either.

The guard had called me and asked a bunch of questions. I was really honest and everything but my story didn't match the drivers, so therefore... Mike can't cross the border. And because my story didn't match the driver's, neither can I. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through because not only did the driver fuck up Mike's chances of seeing me... but mine too. I hope she gets shot in the face.

That is all.

Love,
Chantal

Spiraling

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 14:08:27 GMT

I am blindingly depressed

In fact, I think I'm quickly spiraling into the worst times of my life.

I'm powerless to stop it.

Short story.

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 08:17:51 GMT

Pier

It’s like I’m standing at the edge of a pier. The water below is clear, cool and visibly refreshing. The pier itself is covered in the mildew and rot of ages past. With memories of both good and bad times plastered haphazardly about the cement and iron framework of the old beauty. I know that in the water there is so much hope and a promise of a new beginning. I’ve longed so much for the possibility of starting over, to escape the decay and death of the past.
My ankle is shackled to the cement. The iron encircling my flesh has long since rusted and creaks with every desperate pull I make towards the sea. It won’t budge however. It seems that even with all the rust and the constant pulling, the shackle won’t move from its place in the pier. Still the water is beckoning me, whispering to me of all the things it wants to offer me. I yank helplessly at the my prison and weep bitter tears of frustration and anger. Do I not deserve the blessed, cool relief of the ocean? Do I still have to wallow here in the misery of broken hearts and equally wasted promises? Even the shackle is tired of holding me.
I forgot when I had given up on striving for the glory that lay just beyond my reach. When I lay down and settled for something that was tainted and ugly compared to what I could have. I polished the old iron ring around my ankle and fashioned another one for my other ankle. I settled for living a lie. I decided that it would be best if I just became what everyone wanted me to be, instead of being myself. Now I could only reach out my hands for the water beneath me, my fingertips so close to brushing it and yet, so far.
Soon I made myself another restraint. One for my wrist. I chained myself down to the cement by another solid ring and made sure the others were intact. I locked my own arm down in defeat and gave up on the water for awhile longer. I shut up my emotions and decided it was time to forsake my heart. I became as cold as the mold splattered across the pier. When I realized it was time to struggle, I could only stretch my one arm out as far as it could go, spreading my fingertips and longing for what I was sure I would never have.
Time passed and I gave up once again. I built four walls made of frozen water to live inside of, so I would lose sight of the sea altogether. No temptation to struggle. There were only these walls. There was only the pain, misery and desolation contained within. I promised myself off to a man that could do nothing but wrong me but believed his promises none-the-less. Dreams of a better life faded away as I settled for what I believed was all I could ever get out of love. A handful of broken hopes, scattered laughter and a battered body. I forgot about the sea.
There was not much distance between building the walls and shackling my last arm to the ice of them. If I couldn’t see the sea and there was no more love in my life, even a failed, broken, useless love, what was there left outside anymore? I couldn’t even see the pier beneath my feet. My restraints maintained themselves by using my tears for oil and my blood for polish. The walls stayed strong by using all my anger and hatred to keep frozen, even against the summer heat and the warm breeze blowing off the waves. I did not find peace in the silence, only an empty yearning in my broken heart.
I sat for such a long time in the silence, listening to the sound of my heartache and laboured breathing. One day I heard a voice outside of my walls, calling to me and urging me to break free of the shackles. I refused to listen. I held tight to the idea that it was safer inside of my little hovel. My shelter could offer me more than the outside world ever had and ever would in the future. The voice outside persisted, first scratching against the ice walls and then slamming as hard as they could against it. Still I would not move.
I began to speak with the voice. First hesitantly, and then with more insistence and longing than I had ever spoke with in my life. The restraints began to rust once again and I could hear the rush of the waves against the distant shore. The voice began to take a physical form as the walls around me thinning. The summer heat made them appear more as glass than solid ice. The shackles on my arm broke as I realized I had made a friend. I rubbed my sore wrists and reached out for the shape just beyond the glass.
The voice took shape as a man. He was covered in water, as if he had just been for a swim. Long hair dripping small droplets onto the pier at his feet, with his hands pressed hard against the glass around me. One after the other, my ankle irons broke and were forgotten. I could see the sea outside of my walls and I realized I was in love with the man. I reached for him as he reached for me, the glass falling away around as a flurry of snowflakes.
We held hands and for the first time in my life I felt truly wanted. I stared out across the water and the pier shivered beneath me. The rocks began to give way beneath it. The man took me in his arms and guided me to the edge of the pier, pointing down into the beautiful, vast ocean. With a smile, and a deep breath, we plunged into the water and embraced.

The image of two dolphins gliding across the waves.

^_^

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 22:47:50 GMT

I am going to marry this boy.

I just know it.

I love you Mike Sakaru.

Happy Christmas.

-Chantal

Remembering John Lennon

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 18:54:20 GMT

To me, John was a man that has drastically changed my life. My brother introduced me to his music when I was very small and it was something we shared together. In an indirect way, Lennon is responsible for the strength my brother and I had when we were dealing with our really hard childhood. His voice was a source of hope, strength and reminded us that all of our dreams were possible if we reached for them.

As I grew older and saw all the bad things that were happening in the world. Horrible things that I couldn't even begin to fathom or understand, John's voice was a sound of comfort. I remember staying up at night wondering if I would ever be okay, with "Whatever Gets You Through The Night" blaring from my headphones. Even though he wasn't physically there with me in those hours, he helped me through my worst times.

Lennon has inspired me to change the world. I began reaching out to others and trying to help them through their own troubles. His music was such a driving force in my life that eventually I began focusing on bigger problems. Hugs For Peace, protesting war, helping out by giving food and money to the poor, anything that I could/can do to help out the people in the world who need it. When people ask me why I do it, I don't tell them it's for my own gain, or for religious reasons, I tell them it's for John Lennon. It really is.

We may never reach the image of world peace that John Lennon wanted us to have, but I think that if every person reaches out to someone, offers a hug, smile or a kind word in these hard times, we might get to be one step closer. When John and Yoko said,"War is Over, if you want it", they weren't just words, they were the truth. This could be a better world if we wanted it to be and tried to make it.

I just wanted to express how John Lennon has changed my life, given me courage, and through his music offered me the strength to keep going and keep trying.

Take a moment of your day to remember this amazing man. Whether it be through watching one of his videos, having a conversation about his life with a friend, or by listening to one of his songs.

John Lennon, you are missed.

RIP

1940 to 1980.

Love,
Chantal.

All Things Must Pass...

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 01:00:42 GMT

Please take some time today to remember and honour George Harrison.

Talented singer/songwriter, beloved Beatle, amazing father and husband.

Hare Krishna.

Wish you didn't have to pass...

RIP George Harrison
1943 - 2001

Love,
Chantal

Free Hugs For Peace!

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 23:11:27 GMT

Hello there,

Have you ever felt as if you didn't belong? Have you felt lonely, down, depressed? Has the day ever felt so long and so dull that you just longed to crawl into bed and sleep?

Do you like hugs?

We would like a chance to touch each and every heart in this world with a simple hug. A sign of affection to bring a smile to a friend's face or maybe even a complete stranger. This email is an attempt to set a movement in motion. It's an email to urge you to go out and give someone a hug. To pass on a feeling of Peace and Love in our otherwise cold and miserable world.

This a response to a movement that's already been set in place by those before us. People like John Lennon and Juan Mann who have spread life and love into the hearts of even the coldest people on this beautiful green Earth. We're not asking you to drop everything you're doing and march across the streets like Juan Mann, holding his sign proudly and offering Free Hugs. We're just asking you to take a moment out of your life and hug someone. Someone you love, someone who has been hurt, someone who is lonely, someone who may be just like you.

Please.

Spread some Peace and Joy, one hug at a time.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Watch Juan Mann's work and understand what something as simple as a hug can do for a human being.

Pass this on to your friends. Come on, it only takes a few minutes to spread some happiness to another person.

Love,
Chantal and Saiko

*Hugs!* Free Hugs for Peace! Hug your friends, join the campaign for Peace! One hug at a time.

A Failure

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 03:36:45 GMT

As most of you know, a few days ago there was a great falter in humanity. A young man took a gun to a local college and began to open fire at the students there. There, at Dawson College, the sights and sounds of death were found.

Kimveer Gill, a 25 year old man, took the life of one girl at Dawson College and injured 20 others. Two are now in intensive care and news on their health hasn't been released. He then took his own life.

What could make a human being hurt enough to want to shed the blood of the innocent? This was indeed the Canadian Columbine. Please take a moment out of your day to offer a prayer, ritual or whatever you do to remember the girl who was lost and also for those who were injured in the brutal attack.

And if you are feeling depressed, suicidal or any of those such things, please get help. There is always someone to talk to. Whether it be your friends, parents, teachers, or anyone you trust doesn't matter. You are a beautiful human being, no matter what has happened to you in your life.

Thank you,
Chantal.

Home.

Sat, 12 Aug 2006 20:15:50 GMT

I'm home.

Dylan is in China. This makes me very sad, yet excited for him at the same time. He's even got his own blog which is really interesting and funny to read, even if you aren't family. The link is here:

http://www.deerawn.blogspot.com/

Check it out. It's good times.

I miss the old days Stacy, with Cissa and Minty. Orgasmoffs and writing disturbing fanfiction -_-;

On a lighter note, I have another "date" with Matt on Friday. We're going to see Snakes on a Plane in Regina. I don't think he got the "just friends" message that I've been giving. Must be one of those less than observant guys.

Love,
Chantal

P.S - I'm slightly drunk right now. Yay coolers.

Wizard Rock!

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 08:54:05 GMT

SHAMELESS PLUG TIME!

Hey!

Come check out the newest (and only Canadian) wizard rock band in the world (we think). The Great White Wizard Experience welcomes you!

http://www.myspace.com/greatwhitewizards

We rock out from the Great White North and our very first song is up on the site! Great North Lovesong!

As Harry and the Potters say, VOLDEMORT CAN'T STOP THE ROCK!

Love,
Chantal (Heather Flick)

...

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 07:21:14 GMT

I have a crush on Minty.

A massive one.

Ten-four. Over and out XD

Didn't think it would come to this.

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 22:49:05 GMT

Due to certain people leaving nasty comments on my Livejournal, I have decided to make it "Friends Only". I'll be removing the person from my friends list so he can't continue being an assfuck and pushing himself into my life. Kind of like he did to me -snorts-

If you read my journal but are not on my friends list, please leave a comment and I'll be sure to add you. I really didn't think I'd have to do this but I guess it has come to this point.

Thanks everyone!

Love,
Chantal

Really Shitty Day aka Confrontations with THE EX!

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 04:45:25 GMT

Hello,

Today I saw my ex-boyfriend today. It started out okay, I pranced over and said,"Hey! How are you!?" And he seemed to be freaked out by me and just grunted out a good. So I asked him if he was scared of me and all he said was, "No, just annoyed because of the shit you've been saying about me." And I was like -headtilt- And then I asked him what I had apparently said and he said, "Ask Kellie." And then we both walked away. So apparently my 'friend' Kellie, has been telling Chris the shit I said about him when I was UPSET! I blabbed lots of nasty things about him when he dumped me because I was hurting and just wanted to hate him and hurt and everything. I didn't really MEAN any of those things, I just said them because at the time I was hurting really bad. I mean come on, my heart had been shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. Anyway, whatever. I know I still say shit about him because I guess inside the thought of him off with some other girl and knowing that he doesn't like me just pisses me off. Like, I haven't done SHIT ALL to him because he's really just not worth my time. And it's not like I'd ever say anything mean directly to his face.

So, I guess this just means I can't trust another one of my friends. God Kellie, keep your god damn mouth shut, especially when you don't understand the fucking situation. Next time I talk to her she's going to get a new asshole ripped into that fucking HUGE ass of hers. Remind me next time not to be nice to some slut of a girl just because I feel sorry for her. I should go tell HER ex-boyfriend all the shit she said about HIM when they broke up, maybe it would teach her a valuble lesson about keeping her friends' secrets. The funny thing is, she's the one that complains when my other friend Brad tells people the shit that she's said about them.

Anyway, off of that topic before I kill something. Today was a hard day for me as well because my mom was moving a whole bunch of stuff out of my dad and I's house. My parents are divorced and it seems like my mom has this obsession for removing everything that's familiar to me. She took two couches, an old chest that my dad had made for ME and then a pretty wooden bench I wanted. It's like she's taking everything that's important to me. She even tried to take this rocking chair that my grandpa had made for me but I told her she couldn't. My dad just lets my mom take anything she wants because it's apparently "easier" that way and "less feelings are hurt". So I'm helping my mom move all this stuff out to the truck so she can take it... holding back huge emo tears because I'm heartbroken to see all these important things leaving my dad and I's house. I guess there's really nothing I can do about it because in my mom's eyes I'm "just a kid" and don't "understand what's going on". God that pisses me off, at least my father treats me like the adult I am instead of like a 10 year old little girl. I DO understand what's going on in this situation but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

My mom wanted me to go over to her house later and help unpack everything but my dad saved me from that by reminding me that I had plans with my best friend Brad later that night. So luckily I didn't have to be brutally reminded of how stupid and pathetic love is. Honestly, is it any wonder I don't believe in marriage? Maybe I'm just bitter and lonely. I really do feel all alone a lot lately but perhaps that can't be helped. Everywhere I fucking go, couples are hugging and all over each other. Pretty much blows ass that I work at a damn movie theatre.

On top of all of this, I'm going to have an awkward week ahead of me. On wednesday my dad is going to pick up his girlfriend from her house. My dad works during the day however so I've got to find a way to entertain this woman while my father is away. Apparently we have a lot in common, she likes movies, music and piercings. Hopefully we'll be able to find some common ground to stick to so it doesn't stray into the awkwardness. My dad wants me to take her shopping, so I guess that's not too unpleasant. I just hope to GOD that I won't hear them having sex, that would be too much for my fragile mind to handle. I've also got a date set up with my mom so I can meet HER boyfriend as well for thursday night. That could also turn out well or strange... let's just hope that they're nice people.

That concludes my emo rant for the day. Chantal is miserable but won't cut herself this time... it's not worth it. I've got enough scars on my body already -shrug-

Love,
Chan

New friend ^^

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 04:02:50 GMT

So, I made a new friend the other day. Apparently she had seen my ad on Witch's Voice, a place to meet other Wiccans and Pagans like me, and sent me an email. Well of course I wrote her back and then gave her a call. We ended up talking for an entire hour! Even though we had never even talked to each other before that point. It was sort of like we had an instant connection and could talk about everything from religion to Sailor Moon. It was refreshing to meet someone whom could see things in the same way that I do. So, I think I have a good friend in the making, which is really exciting for me...

Yeah, over the last little while I became anti-social in some drastic attempt to distance myself from all things resembling love. I'm still not 100% sure about that little, four-letter word but I'm sure I'll open myself up fully again with time. Boys are just stupid, I'm sure a good percentage of you can agree with me on that one.

Anyway, For those of you who were desperately wondering...I didn't make Canadian Idol. In fact, I didn't make it past the first round. Apparently I wasn't "what they were looking for" even though I'm talented, or so many many people said yesterday. Maybe they were lying >.> Hey, I thought I sounded pretty effing good. Does that count?

Life is pretty sweet right now.

And Amber, if you read this... I love you XD And I hope you're feeling better. Just remember that boys are stupid because they can't see the perfection that lies right in front of their eyes.

Love,
Chantal

I can't stop thinking about you...

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 06:48:11 GMT

I wake up in the morning and my first thought of the day is how much time I can spend talking to you. I find myself working around outings with my friends in order to talk to you. When I see your screenname pop up my heart does this little flip-flop that I've come so used to feeling when it comes to crushes. I have this tendency to change my mind off and on about people I like, even people I date... but with you, you've held my attention longer than anyone I have ever been with.

The strange thing is... though we have never met, I sometimes think I see girls that look like you on the street. Sometimes I even want to call out to them but never do. That would be silly wouldn't it? But by the Goddess... you are the most incredible, intelligent, witty and beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes upon in my life. It's like we were made from the same mold. We can nearly finish each other sentences and we can trade jokes and sarcastic quips as fast as lightning. The sexiest thing about you if the way you make me laugh so hard that I'm clutching my stomach and tears are leaking from my eyes. And the fact I can do the same just makes me feel like I have met one of the most important in my life.

I believe in a concept called "soul groups", we go through life and meet the same group of souls that we've met in past lives. They're generally people we find very important to us, family, friends, important acquaintinces, strangers who make an impact on our lives and even pets can be part of our soul group. I know for a fact that I have met several people who are part of my own soul group. Kain for one, and my ex-boyfriend Chris, who taught me a good many things about life and love, is also another of my soul group members. These people may not stick around forever, but they are still a part of your life and impact you in a way that may either be subtle or grand. I truely believe that you are a part of my soul group. How could you not be? If I find myself infatuated simply with the many ways you laugh... then you're obviously impacting my life. I find myself driving down the street and smiling, singing love songs that once made me so sad at the top of my lungs and thinking of you.

I fine myself getting frustrated when my dad won't get off the computer fast enough because it interupts my time with you. I still go out with my friends but I find myself wishing that you were there too laughing at the same things that I would be laughing about. I want to share secrets with you that no one else knows about. Hell, I even dream about you. Call that crazy, but it's true. You make me feel so passionate about the world and I don't even know why. I've started writing again because you're my muse. I wish I could be right there with you and wipe away all your tears because a stupid guy didn't know how important you are. You are the most important person in my life right now.

I hardly know you and I don't want to sound hasty but... I think I'm in love with you. When I hear your voice my pulse quickens and my blood rushes. You're like a delicious, beautiful poison that's taking over my body and claiming me with every beat of my heart. I want more of you. I want to have you as my own and cherish every second of this lifetime that I get to spend with you. By the Goddess... do I love you. You lithe, beautiful American mynx.

Love starts with a "C" and ends with a "y"... I'm sure of that.

And I will wait for you.

Love,
Chantal